Totally taboo – my CVS and me

This post was written over a year ago but i haven’t been brave enough to air it for fear of judgement or recrimination. For all those other mothers to be who are having or have had a CVS and all the associated mental baggage, you’re not alone…

————————————————————————————————–

There are some phone calls one hopes never to be on the receiving end of. The one from the hospital labour ward, calling a mere two days after blood tests were taken, with the opening gambit, ‘Is this a good time to talk’ would be one of these. The results were meant to come after a minimum of two weeks and the parting words at the time were, ‘No news is good news’.

So I ask, ‘Then surely this must be very bad news?’

Time stands still, stranded on the pavement equidistant from home and the music makers playgroup we were en route to. And instead of a morning of making music, I find myself dragging an uncertain Babybel back to the hospital where she first graced the earth. Mr A is there to hold my hand and support my crumbling world – but there are some things even he cannot save.

I would not be able to cope with a down’s syndrome child. There – I have voiced the unspeakable. I am selfish and mentally weak. The precipice of sanity has been teetered too close to already. Babybel senses the seriousness of the situation – her solemn and beautiful face looking at me intently. How lucky I am to have such a perfect child. How could I burden her with a lifetime of a dependent sibling? Because after Mr A and I are gone, it is inevitably she who will be the sole provider.

The consultant is so kindly that I sense this is the beginning of the torrent of sympathy reserved for those bereft. And that feeling of grief is creeping up surreptitiously around us like garden weeds. Tomorrow we will have a CVS. Followed by the longest two weeks of our lives waiting for the results.

If we lose this baby, I know with a heavy certainty that I will not have another. Because I will not want another. Nor shall I deserve another.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Totally taboo – my CVS and me

  1. Your blog brought tears to my eyes as I went through the same test 11 years ago when I was pregnant with my first (and only) child. I found it pretty traumatic but couldn’t see any point in waiting until 18 weeks to have an amnio test as I knew I couldn’t go through with an abortion then. There wasn’t very much information about the dangers of the test then and I had to go to a central London hospital to get it done (surrounded by visiting Italian doctors). Not sure what I would have done if the result had shown Down’s Syndrome but I think I would have had an abortion. Hope it worked out OK for you – you didn’t say.

    • Thank you for your message – i really don’t think I could have published this post had things not worked out okay in the end. Even looking back on it fills me with such sadness and poignant anxiety. Every day I am grateful for my healthy children and for the fortitude of not having had to face the choice of terminating an unborn baby. I’m happy that you also didn’t have to make that difficult choice…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s